I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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