Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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