I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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