just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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