I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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