Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
