I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
