did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
