If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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