hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
