My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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