I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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