I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
