I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She told me I should be a condom model.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
