I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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