put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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