god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
