My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
