Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
