Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
