I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
