You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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