She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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