You just made me feel so damn special
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
