I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize