very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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