just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
