I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize