Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
