I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
