Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
