remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
