I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
