hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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