Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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