U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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