I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize