I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
