so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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