We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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