Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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