the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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