I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
