It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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