I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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