he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize