Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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