I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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