Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
