How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
