you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
