just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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