We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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