I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
