he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
