The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize