I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and she was petting her beer can
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
