I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
