I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
