My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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